Chapter 4

His greatest fear is that the growing popularity of bodysuits in competitive swimming will render the Speedo obsolete. He plans to power through this by continuing to wear a Speedo and break world records. He sees no point in feeling glory if the water cannot personally congratulate His skin.

He is not a short order cook, and certainly not anybodies maid, but he does posses the qualities of what some may refer to as a "Human Swiss Army Knife".

His shoes, like the bottomless pits of Nirubi, could never be filled by anyone except him; but with charm, finesse, courtesy, backroom deals, and payoffs the crowds can be persuaded to accept his nonattendance.

His skills and accomplishment amount to a grain of sand standing next to yours.

Every time he goes for a swim, dolphins appear.

The ability to entertain and mesmerize even the most discerning and wily adversary is paramount to successfully completing even the most routine of tasks.

He has carved didgeridoos with Aboriginal tribes in the Northern Territory, knows the best hotels in Spain during the encierro, has experience in sedating a spitting and rather violent alpaca through meditation, and is versed in the secret exits for every casino in the northern hemisphere.

He has a stark affinity for suits worn with no tie and an open collared shirt. 

He is more powerful then both Billy Mays, and Chuck Norris.

The pheromones he secretes have been known to effect people miles away, in a slight, but measurable way.

His hands, feel like rich, brown, suède.

He has lived in a cave for a summer in the hills of the Serengeti, after being gifted a husband, by a local tribes leader.

He almost broke the last speed record in 1977,however popular opinion

amongst experts was that his beard caused to much wind resistance. He would have shaved it...except no, he wouldn't have.

When it is raining, it is because he is thinking of something sad.

His legend precedes him, the way lightning precedes thunder.

Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores.

He keeps his public statements to a minimum - both to preserve his mystique and avoid any unnecessary scuffles with pretenders. However, in private interaction, He can be relied upon for His discretion, tact, patience, and humor.

His unique and envied grasp of hostage negotiations has allowed Him to remain as one of the most highly sought after people in the world.

He is the best of the best. He is rational, ethical, dangerous individual who knows his mathematics, metaphysics, and mixology. Get to know him. He demands it.

The Legend of Matan

"Squiggly Squirmer" as photographed by Omer Hadad circa 2008.

Matan Goren is described in reports as a large, steel-based creature, ranging between 6-20 feet tall, weighing in excess of 500 pounds (230 kg, 0% body fat), with a maine of light brown or blonde-ish hair. Alleged witnesses have described sharp cheek and jaw bones, and a prominent nasal passage; its arms and legs have been described as powerful and chiseled, similar to those of the male gorilla. Matan is commonly known to evoke an uncontrollable sense of fear in witnesses and is known to feed on juvenile elephants and bears. While most photos - some will dismiss these as hoaxes - show a 6 pack, some have had number ranging from 8 to one million. Some have also contained ridiculous good looks and a humanoid form, making it likely that it is the offspring of George Clooney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and God. Proponents have also claimed that because of his Cannabis intake, Matan is not strictly a carnivore.

About two-thirds of all Matan sightings are concentrated across weight rooms in the Pacific Southwest, with most of the remaining sightings spread throughout womens legs everywhere. Some Matan advocates, such as Matan-ologist Omer Hadad, have postulated that Matan Goren is a worldwide phenomenon.

Chapter 3

-His beard alone has experienced more then a lesser mans entire body.

-He befriends every fish, lobster, and conch before He kills them, because nobody's life is complete without a friend, and they deserve at least that much for being so delicious. He does not get paid for this, but He could.

-He travels all over the country, many times opting to hitch hike despite being provided with an airline ticket because He believes His listening skills will enrich anyone's life if given a few hours in a confined space.

-He can rub sunscreen on another man in a masculine yet caring manner, even SPF 50. 

-His dreams, are the kind of dreams that people only dream of dreaming.

-He is well versed in survival tactics and skilled in the arts of Archery, Rochambeau, Sayoc Kali, and Rug Hugging. As impressive as those skills may be, His most impressive skill is growing facial hair.

-The impressive wingspan of his Delhi Dandy's mustache is something neither the cobras nor the ladies, could resist.

-He has fished with Aboriginal tribes using only hand made tools; surfed open-ocean swells off the coast of Mexico; paddled an outrigger canoe 32 miles across the Catalina Channel; and once saved a small group of young children from an angry black bear, by coercing him with only berries and a twig.

-He has many proud moments. It's not hard when you travel in the circles that He does. But His most impressive was Jonathan. And no, a gentleman doesn't talk about his trophies. 

-His emergency bag holds: a whalebone corkscrew, the emergency number to a swedish masseuse living in Boliva, two non-refundable airline tickets to Pamplona, a can of bear spray (although His excessive chest hair usually scares away any unwanted intruders) and a rhino call.

-His day-to-day activities vary significantly and usually require the use of His excessive cognitive reasoning ability or the application of His superior intellect to complete the task at hand. Whether it's evaluating camel races for the Saudi royal family, learning the secret fish baiting techniques of the southern Amazon tribes or reserving a window table with an intersting, yet elusive Estonian model at Chez Louis in Monaco, He has become a master of the impossible and a pioneer of the unthinkable.

QUOTES:

-"I approach social situations the same way I approach a spitting cobra; with quick thinking, lighting fast reflexes, soothing vocalizations, protective eye wear, and a bottle of anti-venom tucked safely in my pocket."

-"You guys made this blog because you are jealous of my chiseled muscles and rugged good looks."

Genesis

And on the first day, Matan created the heavens and the earth. And it was good.

Chapter 2

-His charm is so contagious, vaccines have been created for it.

-He is a fighter not a lover.

-Hes been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking in the room.

-Alien abductors have asked him, to probe them.

-He lives bi curiously through himself.

-He once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.

-He can kill two stones with one bird.

-He can slam a revolving door.

-His reputation is expanding faster then the universe.

QUOTES:

"I would be the moon to your sun, and although the people I meet would recognize that I was only a reflection of your greatness, at least they can find solace in the fact that by meeting me their retinas are spared the permanent damage and scarring your luminosity produces."

"I am a student of life and knowledge. I seek to enhance the beauty and quality of life for myself; yet I am not opposed to breaking heads and shattering egos when the situation demands it."

"haha mr doodious i was at the gym trying to be like matan" -Oron Calif

Chapter 1.

-The police often question him just because they find him interesting.

-His blood smells like cologne.

-If he were to give you directions you will never get lost, and you'd 

arrive at least 5 min early. 

-His legend precedes him, the way lightning precedes thunder.

-He didnt take biology, he invented many things, most notably the sun.

-There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Matan has 

allowed to live.

-His organ donation card, also lists his beard.

QUOTES:

"In truth, I am the only personal effect I need. 

Occasionally, however, the ugliness of the world reveals its 

objectionable face. As a way of responding to this, in a moisture proof 

matchbox I keep a mirror. This mirror serves as a reminder that all the 

answers must come from within. It also lets me know if I have broccoli 

in my teeth."